I’ve been absent from my blog for a long time, for many reasons, but mainly this:

My Mom has cancer.  Stage 4.  She was initially given 2 years, but is going for 2nd and 3rd opinions which may or may not improve those odds.  She had surgery in 2006 to remove a malignant mass from her colon, and at the time the doctors thought they got it all.  Fast forward to about 6 months ago, my Mom started having symptoms that she thought were colitis or IBS, but when a colonoscopy could not find anything wrong with her, she had a CT scan which showed an enormous, spiderweb-like mass that has spread from her colon to her liver and possibly to her  pancreas.  She also has a problem with her kidney, one of them has atrophied and is not functioning.  The diagnosis was given at a local hospital here in Charlotte, but next week my Mom’s going to Duke University for another opinion and then to Sloan-Kettering in NY as soon as they can get her in (my sister works in the medical field and has a couple connections who are helping to pull strings).  She should start chemotherapy by Christmas one way or the other, which she will be on until she dies.  The mass is inoperable and all they can do is try to shrink what has already grown to improve her quality of life.  She’s in terrible pain and has lost about 40 pounds.

I feel like I need to do my mother justice by sharing the type of person she is.  Arguably, every child thinks their Mom is a Queen and should be some immortal deity who will always be there to hug you and dry your tears. I am no exception… but to say I am tight with my mom doesn’t really come close to defining our relationship.  She raised my sister and I pretty much alone, as she and my biological father were divorced by the time I was 3 months old and he died when I was 8 (after having virtually no relationship with him).  My mom is my world. She would do anything for anybody and has foregone a million of her own wishes for my sister Jenna and me.  She didn’t have a new car until we were in college (which she paid for, by the way, from her own savings).  She moved down to SC to be closer to me once I had Jackson, and before I quit my job she watched him twice a week without ever asking for a dime.  She would also do laundry and some dishes or whatever little task needed to be done around the house.  I could give you a ton of examples of her generosity, from big things to little things.  She is a remarkably GOOD person, to everyone, and has one of the best senses of humor on top of it all.  To try to picture my life without her is next to impossible.  We do not have a very large family, and she is such an instrumental part of it.  I can’t even wrap my brain around trying to explain this to my son… Liam is still an infant but Jackson has grown extremely close with my Mom and they spend so much time together (she only lives 4 miles away).

I suppose there isn’t a whole lot more I can say, but it would help me right now to have as much support as I can get… some days I can barely function. I’m so grateful for my boys who, without their knowledge, have kept me strong and focused on holding my shit together for their sake.  I’m praying that Duke and/or Sloan will find some miracle cure for her, or at least some drug that will make her stop hurting and keep her around for many years.  I love my Mommy.  She is my rock and my best friend.

Thank you for reading this, and for your thoughts and prayers.

Clearly, I suck at this.  I want to write but my time is just in too much demand lately… plus the Yankees lost last night and if they don’t make it to the World Series I will have to cry over my shitty Southern breakfast.

Okay, internet.  These dreams of mine have been off. the. hizzy.  If you’ve ever read about my dreams here you know they’re a bit, well, NUTS.  Lately they’ve been nuts-er.  On we go:

crap, i will have to leave you in suspense for now, mommyhood calls.  fuckity. will get back to this, i promise.

I’ve got to repost what Dooce wrote today, because it fits so snugly into the newly formed niche that has been created in my life:

A couple of days ago I volunteered in Leta’s kindergarten class for a writing workshop they hold every week, and since I show up early for everything I got to talk to her teacher while the kids finished playing outside. She said Leta was integrating well and asked how it was at home with the newborn, and suddenly I’m reflexively gushing about how much I love it and can’t get enough.

GAH?

WHA?? WHO???

And I found myself wanting to talk about how that morning when Marlo woke up at 3 AM to feed I couldn’t wait to snuggle her up under my arm and lie there with her fuzzy head up under my chin. OH! And our favorite part of the day now is the moment Leta pokes her head into our bedroom in the morning and whispers with a scream, “IS THE BABY AWAKE?!” Her head a giant mushroom cloud of tangles as she runs and hops up in between us, and Marlo looks up with a grin so wide there is no room left on the bed.

Yeah, there are really frustrating times, experiences everyone has as they juggle this kid off to school while trying to make the house quiet for the other kid’s nap. And work and errands jammed into the tiny cracks of time left in the day. But that baby… I don’t know how to explain what she’s done to me, to Jon, and especially to Leta who loves her more than anything else in her life, who now shows a level of tenderness and generosity that I didn’t know she possessed. It’s like Marlo has brought us to Here, with the capital H, that place we’ve always been trying to get to, the place that always seemed unattainable and out of reach. She’s brought us into The Now, and it feels absolutely magical.

I will always remember how hard it was the first time, and I will always sympathize with women who struggle they way that I did. But now I feel like I can understand the others who beamed when talking about life with an infant. I get it now. Yes, I know this makes me some droning mommyblogger, but I also hope that this, from the perspective of someone who has lived through the blinding demons of sadness and hopelessness, might give someone out there a glimpse of what it can be, and maybe they’ll go for it.

To elaborate, I’ve got to include the comment that I left in response:

I have been majorly slacking here. Shit I have a 6 week old baby, life’s a bit… NUTS. Been having some wacked out crazy intense sicko dreams though, and once I get my head out of the myriad of poopy diapers I will elaborate on some. Thanks for reading, those of you who still check in on me! More to come soon as my life is about to take another major shift in the next few weeks. Hot damn and hallelujah!

I’m in love.  This is genius!  It’s about time someone said it!

and gottdamn he’s one sexy mofo…  \m/  \m/

Been very busy and absent from blogging due to the birth of my beautiful new treasure of a son, Liam Nathaniel.  Liam was born on Saturday, August 1st at 8:57am, weighing 7 pounds and 1 ounce; 19 inches long.

He rocks, y’all.

Will resume blogging soon, assuming the copious overflow of breastmilk doesn’t gum up my keyboard.

Freshly Hatched

hello blogoverse, it’s been a while… i am back with one of the strangest dreams i’ve had in a very long time.  i IM’d my friend about the whole thing, and i am too lazy and too pregnant to edit it and make it flow better… i extend my apologies for the lack of panache, but i’m just going to copy the IM conversation here (i’ve deleted my friend’s replies so this is all me, Luna2278).

Ya might want to get some coffee, this is a weird one:

Luna2278: ok so i had possibly one of the strangest dreams i’ve had in a very long time
Luna2278: happened this morning… i had bad insomnia last night and didnt get to sleep until after 2am.. then woke up at 6:45… so i came downstairs and fell back to sleep on the couch for about 2 hours and thats when i had the dream
Luna2278: this dream is like… seriously out there
Luna2278: ready?  its long
Luna2278: so.  it started off i was at a resort on vacation.  it was really crowded and i was out laying by the pool.  i got up to use the bathroom and passed by this one part of the pool where all these sexy hot guys were diving in and swimming.  was nice.  i think maybe because i watched True Blood, they all looked like Eric…
Luna2278: so anyway, i go inside and use the restroom, and then bump into a friend on the walk back to the pool area.  it was a younger male friend, felt like a younger cousin or something in the dream, but not someone i know in real life
Luna2278: i’m with this kid and we start walking down a flight of stairs.. and here is where it gets REALLY WEIRD
Luna2278: coming up the stairs is like an army of hundreds of people, all in their late teens/early 20’s.  they were separated into two groups, one wearing solid royal blue jumpsuits and behind them was a group wearing white jumpsuits. they were being led around by guards with walkie talkies and those police baton things, and both groups were in straight lines and walking in formation, with total blank stares on their faces
Luna2278: we stopped walking and they all stopped walking when we saw each other, and one of the guards came up to us and we said we needed to get by… he said OK he would radio down to the guy at the end that he was sending 2 kids through who needed safe passage and an escort at the other side
Luna2278: but we sort of knew about these groups, like they were in the news recently or something…
Luna2278: so we head downstairs only when we get to the bottom i guess the other guard didnt get the message because he grabbed us and threw us in line and started yelling, etc
Luna2278: so we sort of got absorbed by the crowd and followed them into some giant room… we were trying to blend in though so we could avoid being seen which we thought would help us escape later, like they would be watching us
Luna2278: so we end up in this HUGE room, like an empty warehouse.  i had one a white hooded sweatshirt so i stayed with the white group.  everyone was told to stay in line but get down on the ground and start doing pushups
Luna2278: so im down there with my hood up, trying not to be seen, but i was separated from my friend
Luna2278: i was listening for the guards so i could look up and try to find him
Luna2278: then i heard a commotion and something slide across the room, the guards found him trying to escape
Luna2278: so i took that distraction to try to get away myself, i ust bolted up and ran for the nearest door
Luna2278: but i guess i chose poorly b/c i ended up in the guards offices
Luna2278: now it gets even weirder
Luna2278: i bumped into the head honcho guy, and i was scared, but he was actually sort of nice… but commanding.  hard to describe.  he reminded me of Morpheus from the matrix
Luna2278: and he said it took a lot of nerve to do what i did, and that he thought i was “special”
Luna2278: and said that i was also in the wrong group, i should have been assigned to the blue group, not the white group
Luna2278: so he leads me down this hallway, and he’s lecturing me about what it means to be in the blue group, and what things i have in store for me and what i will learn, etc
Luna2278: it felt like underground tunnels, but like very futuristic, sort of like a spaceship
Luna2278: then he says “watch what u will be able to do someday” and he holds his hands out in front of him and makes the walls shift and all of the metal doors move, some of them get sucked in like a black hole and he just controls it with his hands and makes it move
Luna2278: and all the metal on the walls and doors are spiraling around and changing colors
Luna2278: and he like, opened or created a new room down there
Luna2278: so then we walk forward and i’m in an all white room.  floors, walls, ceilings, etc
Luna2278: and he says it’s time for me to start learning
Luna2278: i get chained to a corner, on the floor.  in front of me is this panel, also all white, with 4 glass circles on it.  like a circle in each corner of this white square
Luna2278: so what i’m told to do is sort of like whack-a-mole.. lol.. each time a glass circle appears (they come up from the floor) i have to touch it with my hands
Luna2278: when i get it right the center glows red for a second and then it disappears
Luna2278: and i am left there to do this for DAYS.  chained to the floor in a white room touching these glass circles that come up from the floor
Luna2278: when he first left me there i was panicked, like “wtf you cant leave me here” but i had nothing else to do so i just did what i was told
Luna2278: some time passed and he came back to check on my progress.  i could feel that something changed inside of me and i was accepting of what i was doing
Luna2278: and he said i did well, and then held his hand over the panel again and up from the floor came one big glass circle.  he told me to hold my hand over it.. i did and it shattered… more like, disintegrated
Luna2278: and i looked at him like, “Wow, i did it!” and he smiled and said i was learning to control the elements
Luna2278: and that the blue group was metal.  we gave off some type of energy that produced so much metal that it shattered glass.  yeah no idea how that makes sense but hey, it was a dream…
Luna2278: the white group was glass
Luna2278: somehow i got out of the room and was back in the “real world”
Luna2278: yeah.. so it sort of felt like i was in college, or on some college campus.  i was going to a friends house…
Luna2278: there was a party there, more like a dinner party than a college party.. more adult like
Luna2278: people were standing around sipping wine and eating finger food
Luna2278: i was there and was looking for my frfiend, who was the daughter of the people who were hosting the party
Luna2278: something in the air changed and “activated” this new thing that i had learned, because my body suddenly started buzzing and i knew i had to get out of there
Luna2278: so im trying to make my way through the crowd and then glass starts shattering around me.  i knew it was b/c of this metal thing i had learned
Luna2278: wine glasses started turning into dust and there was a huge wall of glass block that disintegrated
Luna2278: and the guests were freaking out but the parents/hosts used to be in the white group when they were younger and they knew what was going on.
Luna2278: so im trying to run out of the place before i do anymore damage, and they start running after me with these big sticks of chalk.. and they’re rubbing them together to get the chalk dust to block my metal energy
Luna2278: but everything around me that isnt glass is turning to metal
Luna2278: the walls, fixtures, decorations, etc.. its like as i pass by they’re turning to metal
Luna2278: eventually i get out of there and i sort of take off into the air, like i am flying… and im gliding over streets and traffic and cars, and see a huge shopping mall
Luna2278: i head for the mall b/c i know it’s safe for me to be there, i cant damage anythiung
Luna2278: and i feel relieved
Luna2278: finally i stopped to rest on the roof of the mall and i somehow knew that my friend was looking for me.  i started walking around and climbed onto some traintracks that were next to the mall (it felt a lot like the mall in massapequa which is next to the LIRR)
Luna2278: and i saw my friend on the ground, looking up at me.. and she started climbing up to get to me
Luna2278: and when she got close we kept climbing, and part of the train tracks turned into this huge bridge
Luna2278: we were holding onto the sides of the bridge, just walking and walking higher and higher, and we started singing “you’ll never walk alone”
Luna2278: and when we got to the climax of the song, we reached the top of the bridge, and you could see the nyc skyline, like it was the throgs neck bridge or something
Luna2278: it was nighttime and all the lights were on, it was very pretty
Luna2278: next, we somehow got down and i realized that the police were looking for me.  i told my friend to leave b/c i had to start running
Luna2278: and i run down the train tracks into this underground area, sort of like the midtown tunnel where cars are lined up waiting to pay the toll
Luna2278: and my metal thing was coming back.. as i ran by the cars all of the windshields shattered and glass flew everywhere
Luna2278: i knew that my power was strong but i hadnt learned how to control it
Luna2278: but i didnt want to get caught either
Luna2278: i was way ahead of the police so i found this parking garage, and inside was a ramp… i started running up the ramp and it got narrower and narrower until eventually it stopped, it just spiraled into a dead end
Luna2278: but i waited there b/c i knew i was safe and couldnt damage anything, and no one would find me.
Luna2278: the end.

Yup, I’m sold.  Official winner of the best shoulder and arm muscle lifetime achievement award of pure hotness, vampire category.

Our President is just entirely too cool…