September 2009


I’ve got to repost what Dooce wrote today, because it fits so snugly into the newly formed niche that has been created in my life:

In the moment

A couple of days ago I volunteered in Leta’s kindergarten class for a writing workshop they hold every week, and since I show up early for everything I got to talk to her teacher while the kids finished playing outside. She said Leta was integrating well and asked how it was at home with the newborn, and suddenly I’m reflexively gushing about how much I love it and can’t get enough.

GAH?

WHA?? WHO???

And I found myself wanting to talk about how that morning when Marlo woke up at 3 AM to feed I couldn’t wait to snuggle her up under my arm and lie there with her fuzzy head up under my chin. OH! And our favorite part of the day now is the moment Leta pokes her head into our bedroom in the morning and whispers with a scream, “IS THE BABY AWAKE?!” Her head a giant mushroom cloud of tangles as she runs and hops up in between us, and Marlo looks up with a grin so wide there is no room left on the bed.

Yeah, there are really frustrating times, experiences everyone has as they juggle this kid off to school while trying to make the house quiet for the other kid’s nap. And work and errands jammed into the tiny cracks of time left in the day. But that baby… I don’t know how to explain what she’s done to me, to Jon, and especially to Leta who loves her more than anything else in her life, who now shows a level of tenderness and generosity that I didn’t know she possessed. It’s like Marlo has brought us to Here, with the capital H, that place we’ve always been trying to get to, the place that always seemed unattainable and out of reach. She’s brought us into The Now, and it feels absolutely magical.

I will always remember how hard it was the first time, and I will always sympathize with women who struggle they way that I did. But now I feel like I can understand the others who beamed when talking about life with an infant. I get it now. Yes, I know this makes me some droning mommyblogger, but I also hope that this, from the perspective of someone who has lived through the blinding demons of sadness and hopelessness, might give someone out there a glimpse of what it can be, and maybe they’ll go for it.

To elaborate, I’ve got to include the comment that I left in response:

Today is the day that I resigned from my career of 11 years to stay home and raise my two sons, one I just gave birth to 6 weeks ago and another who will be 4 in November. After battling with thoughts of suicide and feelings of doubt and hopelessness, without a shred of self-worth to my name, I’m confident that those demons are behind me. Being on the other side of this decision has been more liberating than I ever thought possible. As someone who believes strongly in witnessing “signs” of karma working its magic, your post today is another underscore that I’ve done the right thing.

Here’s to life. Here’s to children. Here’s to investing in joy and a family that’s worth absolutely everything.

Wow.  Thank you, God. Thank you.

P.S.  One of these days I have to write about my relationship with the number 11.  Today’s post has to do with it, but I’ve got to describe the back story in greater detail.  I lack the energy at the moment… but it’s coming.

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I have been majorly slacking here. Shit I have a 6 week old baby, life’s a bit… NUTS. Been having some wacked out crazy intense sicko dreams though, and once I get my head out of the myriad of poopy diapers I will elaborate on some. Thanks for reading, those of you who still check in on me! More to come soon as my life is about to take another major shift in the next few weeks. Hot damn and hallelujah!