February 2011

You lied to me, Mr. Lundegaard.  You’re a bald-faced liar.  A…  F-f-FUCKING liar.



I really don’t ever blog here, despite my intentions to do so. i still have dreams about writing awe-inspiring delicate prose that would enmesh myself among the highest caliber of bloggers in today’s society, with ad revenue to boot. alas, it is what it is. and what it is doesn’t leave a lot of mental white space that i could fill with my writing.

so, i might switch to Tumblr. Unfortunately I’m aware of some wrinkles that Tumblr’s been going through, and I don’t even really know where that leaves the site and its network of thoughtful authors. I think I’d be better suited to a Tumblr-like situation, nonetheless. My thoughts and experiences come in drips and drops, like inkblots and spaghetti sauce splatters. I don’t have the time to devote to creating banners or making phone calls and begging for sales and behind-the-scenes codes and scripts and shit. I rarely have the inspiration to write anything at all – sometimes I just want to share a funny YouTube video or song that’s been running through my head. I really wanted to be something BIG, but I never gave this desire enough effort. In my defense, I really don’t have the time or energy to. Two children are essentially all-consuming, so whatever hours are left over for “me” are spent trying not to think or do much of anything. Quiet time for the gray matter, if you will. Dreaming about blogging was fun, and the hope for creating a masterpiece was real. Obviously WordPress was the simple way to do it, and from what i have here already it was an enjoyable and easy little journal of sorts to play around with. Perhaps there’s a better avenue, though, for the subordinate like me… one where I won’t feel sad if I leave it alone for weeks on end. I want to be okay with not posting often. I want to know that the design I participate in doesn’t offer me a myriad of templates and add-ons, of domains and virtually unlimited media potential to cast away and leave out to rust, like the plaster-molds of trophies that never had the chance to build something golden. I want the remedial version of blogging. I’m just not in the same class as the valedictorians that I read and follow on twitter, whom I secretly wish I was more like (at least I wish my blog was more like theirs with all the clanging bells and melodic whistles). Part of me really wants to be able to brag about getting 400,000 page hits an hour and have upwards of millions of twitter followers. I want to be funny and anticipated. I want to be worth the attention. I want a life I don’t have.

I am me, and I’m not sure I belong in the big, bad vast society of privately-owned domains and fan mail.

So do I keep this up, however overlooked and delusive? Do I give Tumblr a go? Or do I continue to act dejected over an enterprise that has always rested on the back burner? It’s time I find something to fire up, I just don’t know what that is… yet.