vent


The Husband (ugh) and I are in financial ruin, and as such, I A) REALLY REALLY REALLY need a job, and B) Can’t enroll in the school that I was hoping to be in by now.  I mentioned how happy I was to finally be on the road to professional development, I even wrote about it here, but now I realize how we can barely afford toothpaste no less a private education.  I’m trying to stay positive and work to dig us out of this mess, but I am placing 90% of the blame on The Husband for being so secretive about the true state of affairs.  I’m only claiming 10% responsibility because I “trusted” him to handle our money.  I mean, he works for a bank… one would think…. ALAS.  I guess I should bite off more than 10% but I’m angry. My life isn’t what I wanted it to be or where I wanted it to be, and I’m trapped.  I’m a scared Mommy raccoon that had its food scraps stolen away and is backed into a corner by a broom-wielding giant who’s out to smack me and my babies out in the cold, and I’m hissing and clawing and trying to fight my way out.

I wish I had something nicer to blog about, I can’t imagine this is much fun to read?

Let’s talk about something happier, like how many packages of Vienna Fingers I can polish off in a week… (it’s about 4).

The last full blog post I wrote was about 9/11… and as deeply as I feel about those events, I still don’t want to be married to man I almost lost that day.  It doesn’t mean that I love him any less or take his life for granted.  He will always be a part of my life as the father of our beautiful boys, and I will always love him and cherish him and honor him.  I just don’t think I’m meant to be his wife.  Is that wrong, on the basis of what happened 9 years ago?  Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t ever let him go, other times I just want to be free.  Mostly, I want to be in love again.

Sigh.

I have a boatload of things going on in my life right now and I am really praying for time, energy and motivation to get them all blogged-about. My grammar is SO bad today. I’m sorry. Fuck it. I have a four-year old chattering in my ear and slamming doors, and repeating himself, and I really should keep a close eye on my 9-month old who is skittering around on the floor but all I really want to do is astral project myself to a tropical oasis with that hot Orthopedist I met today, an ice cold caipirinha and a fabulously trashy novel. Erm, um… leave off that last part (it doesn’t have to be trashy).

I did want to throw this quote up here in the meantime. Despite the madness (and it IS madness), my babies are my life and my every breath and I love them more than all of the hot doctors put together in one big room all armed with various different tequila-laden cold beverages and brand new prescription pads…

I doubt if anyone of any tenderness or imagination can see the hand of a child and not be a little frightened of it. It is awful to think of the essential human energy moving so tiny a thing; it is like imagining that human nature could live in the wing of a butterfly or the leaf of a tree. When we look upon lives so human and yet so small, we feel the same kind of obligation to these creatures that God might feel. – G.K. Chesterton

Thank you for being alive, Jackson and Liam. Mommy loves you, even though you drive her to the brink of insanity.

yesterday was my birthday and it was a little sucky.  i miss my Nana… and i think i need new crazy meds because i feel like a bump on a log.  i haven’t been too productive around the house and i feel like i’m just wasting the days away at home and not teaching my boys much of anything.  the tv has been on a lot.  i hope things start to turn around.  i am blaming the latest emotional tragedies but i know neither case would want me to be mopey and sorry for myself, so… i need a kick in the ass – motivation for motivation’s sake.  energy.  drive.  “get up and go”.  any ideas how?

also, i have what feels like a little pimple on the inside of my left nostril.  ouchie.

So You Think You Can Make Some Small Amount of Money Doing Something You Love

?

Well yeah, I do, is that so wrong? I am hankering to get going but haven’t yet found the right push, whether it be found internally and emotionally or through some not-yet identified benefactor.  I want to live. I am ready to live… grasp the proverbially bull by the horns, but right now life seems to be against me, like, way over there in that other guy’s corner. Can I get life to just drop by for a minute, lend me an ear, and even throw me a crumpled up buck or two? I am really, really tired of pain. Of disappointment and crisis and settlement. It’s always me, me, me, woe is me, woe are the things that get fucked up and stuck and make me say things like “woe is me”. I do know it’s not all about me, that’s not what I mean here… just that I would like to be an expert at something other than dealing with catastrophe and hurt. I want to SHINE and rise and sing and explode with a light so bright it makes you wish you brought your sunglasses. C’mon, world, let me live. Let me smile and dance and learn and create. Let me BE.

Cause I’ve had enough of your shit.

I’m in love.  This is genius!  It’s about time someone said it!

and gottdamn he’s one sexy mofo…  \m/  \m/

today is mother’s day.  i got my mom her first DSLR camera and i can’t WAIT to give it to her.

unfortunately i’m participating in my own little pity party… i didn’t get a mother’s day gift.  i woke up to see that my husband straightened up the living room, which is great, but… well my feelings are really hurt.  it’s not even the materialism, i swear… i don’t need jewelry or anything fancy, in this case it really is the thought that counts and my husband apparently didn’t have me too high on his list of priorities.  a few logistics – he was in NY for 2 days for a funeral, so i do give him a pass in some respects, but… that was thursday through saturday morning, already last minute in terms of gift getting.  he claims that he postponed the gift he wanted to get me because we haven’t decided on a name for the baby yet, and he wanted to get me something personalized with our sons names.  Okay, well… that suggestion came directly from me.  i sent him some links last sunday night of a cute handmade necklace from Etsy that I liked, thinking “in case this moron hasn’t thought of a gift for me yet, at least he can order one”.  those links were sent with the assumption that he had already made a purchase, and maybe this was just a hint i could drop for when i give birth in about 10 weeks.  that backfired, eh?  so here i am, the mother of his 3 1/2 year old son, 27 weeks pregnant with son #2, and i get a cheesy ass hallmark card which he KNOWS i can’t stand (seriously those oversized sentimental cards with glitter and flowers make me want to puke), and i get the pleasure of not having to step on matchbox cars in the living room for a couple of hours.  i really hope i can convey how little the actual gift would have mattered… truly, i am not that materialistic.  but jesus christ, it’s fucking MOTHER’S DAY and all i can think of is what a heartless piece of shit i married; someone who couldn’t have given advance thought to showing me that he appreciates me one the one day a year where mothers get some special recognition. the one day where maybe he’d acknowledge the difficulty of carrying a child and the pride he might have for calling me his wife and the mother of his children.  i guess now i’ll just go to my mom’s house and be happy to be in her company, and hope she loves her camera as much as i will love giving it to her.

i’m just really hurt.

happy mother’s day to the moms of the universe, i hope your husbands show how much they love you.

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